whether perhaps I am inherently un-palatable.
I showed my therapist some of my unpublished writing, and now she can't decide whether I have Aspergers; "you're right," she says, "you are bordering on it." I think she's not sure. Maybe you're not supposed to be able to access that level of honesty and still be a normal human being. I am capable of keeping my mouth shut, but anxiously. My social anxiety isn't like the usual kind, she says. She is afraid of breaking me, by fixing it.
I'm pretty sure this could not happen without my consent, but still the idea is distressing. That I am so broken, or so wrong by nature, I would loose major parts of myself in learning how to function normally. That there is beauty in this structural abnormality. That to preserve this beauty, perhaps the pain will never go away. This idea makes me want to die. So, I'm trying not to think about it.
7 comments:
Day, quit thinking you are special. Honestly, I think that every human being is fucked up by nature itself. Evolution doesn't really care about whether its children are happy or sane, and mankind is very often neither. You're just one of the crowd, and if you disagree, just start thinking of all of the conspiracy nuts, hard-headed imbeciles, hypocrites, emotionally unstable, and incompetent individuals in the world. There are probably more of that crowd than anything. And I wouldn't be surprised if a lot of them are better off from their own standpoint as still crazy.
In any case, that anxiety situation is probably similar to one of my issues. Historically, anxiety has kept my mouth shut more than awareness of social situation. That being said, the real issue is just protecting against excess.
Note: Previous comment not meant as an insult at all. I just like saying things in that semi-mean sounding manner. Obviously, I think you'd be happier not being special in the way that you're talking about.
Btw, I just saw this and it is totally relevant:
http://epiphenom.fieldofscience.com/2011/01/most-people-are-bit-crazy-and-believers.html
If it helps to ease your mind at all, you don't remind me of my brother or cousins who are diagnosed with Aspergers. That's not scientific by any means, but there you go.
Um, as usual, the Cornelia registers great alarm at the thought of losing you in any way (particularly to untimely physical death, but also-- well, see below).
But. I have to say-- this (please forgive) sort of strikes me as hilarious. Please forgive. Because, I've gotten to the point where no one will believe I'm an introvert. I've gotten so good at masking it-- and what I realized the other day was, I began this process not for some noble reason of thinking that other humans are worth reaching out to, but just so that people would stop bothering me, stop trying to fix my introverted-ness. When you act like an extrovert, no one criticizes you for not being one.
This is the kind of hilarious part: you are criticized because people think you should be able to fix it, and then you don't get credit for your work because they think the fix was always inherent to your nature. You know, in that awful/hilarious kind of way.
I do like people now, though. I mean, kind of. I MEAN, in small enough doses, they are great, and that IS the truth, and I think I would never have figured that out if I hadn't taught myself how to act like an extrovert. You get to know more people when you act like an extrovert, and some of them are truly lovely, and the ones that aren't I am also (now) teaching myself not to care about. Or at least to care less about.
Ha.
And here is the philosophene in me: if you ARE Aspy, then it is only a problem to the extent that it is a problem. It is Aristotle to whom we should hearken in this point: virtue lies in not taking any quality to extremes, and vice (or evil) is the reverse of this. People who think that we need to be fixed because of our various qualities, as such-- we are introverts, or honest, or willing to be frugal, or whatever-- are not thinking sensibly. We should be kind to them, but they are still wrong.
For years I wanted to be normal. I wanted to fix everything wrong with me.
I'll admit there are still many things I'd like to change.
However, I have also come to appreciate some of the things I used to hate. I wouldn't be me if they were gone. And I like me.
I don't know if this helps, but I think I understand your fear.
Thinking of you.
Ah, thanks everyone.
I'm largely unconcerned with the label; she seemed to think treating the social anxiety would likely interfere with my ability to write. If it's real, it's a pretty horrifying functional problem.
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