Tuesday, January 04, 2011

strange

A) but good:

When you say to someone, "I'm feeling kinda depressed lately."

or

"I've stopped eating"

or

"I'm worried that I have some crap coming up, and I'll need more social support than I have over the next couple of months."

They tend to say: "oh."

But if you make an emo blog posting that basically says, "I'm feeling kinda depressed lately," they call you and say, "I saw your blog, and I'm just checking in."

or

"I saw your blog. . . are you ok?"

or

"I saw your blog. Come have an extra hug."


So. . . thanks. :)

It helps.



B) or just strange:

I made a list.

things I might want to spend time/effort/energy on, in order of their importance to me:

1) Survival
2) Self-respect
3) Improving my ability to get shit done (Executive function)
4) Good relationships (healthy, enjoyable, and fulfilling? someday, perhaps. . .)
5) Being able to care for myself
6) Being thin
7) Having a life work
8) Improving physical health
9) Learning French
10) Dancing
11) Learning music theory

12) (?) material independence? (I am not sure if this belongs on the list, or where it goes.)


notes on this list:

-It is weird.
-Virtually everything I spend time on or consider important is reflected here, somehow or other
-Items 8 through 12 all have specific weird explanations
-Items 1 and 2 vie for position, but I figure as long as I'm alive, if I irredeemably destroy my self-respect I can always kill myself later.
-I wonder if item 4 is appropriately placed. I mostly think it's ok. However, item 5 is likely a prerequisite for item 4. Reassuring.
-Items 6 and 7 switch order frequently. Here is evidenced the fucked-up-ness of me. The fact that I am honest about these priorities does not mean I've entirely accepted them.

6 comments:

___________________________ said...

Wait??? Some people offer you extra hugs???? That is *TOTALLY* unfair! My family and friends always charge me on a per hug basis! Grr.... somebody you know must be ignoring the costs of production.

You are more concerned on being thin than your health, interesting.

Day said...

Yeah. . . we commies do that. ;)

I think a lot of people are more interested in thin than healthy.

http://www.ncbi.nlm.nih.gov/pubmed/8643781

___________________________ said...

Yeah.... ok, I will admit that I am probably the same on some level. I've been mildly concerned about my weight. I just... hate being explicit.

misssrobin said...

You are so right about saying versus posting. I guess that means they at least pay attention when they slow down enough to read.

I loved reading the way you describe feeling it coming on. I wasn't sure other people experienced that, too. I can see it coming, but I can't really do much about it except prepare. And it is so great to ask people for a little extra attention when you feel it coming on. Because if you are anything like me, when it hits you wouldn't dream of asking.

Love this post.

Day said...

Yeah, that's true. I tend to isolate myself pretty severely once it actually hits. . . this time has gone really well. I've actually more or less managed to head it off this time; I'm pretty much just normal me-depressed, rather than non-functional and especially bad me-depressed. I'll take it.

I'm not sure how much has been my effort and how much has been chance, but I've done emo blog posts, and been careful about sunlight and exercise. Perhaps most important, the people who I'm pretty sure can deal with depressed-me without freaking out, I've been spending time with. It helps somewhat to be able to be open about it.

Day said...

Oh: also, my roomate pointed this out. When you write, it gives people time to process. If you just tell them. .. well, we don't really have social conventions for that, and people sometimes suck at thinking on their feet when you break the script. Even when they care.