Sunday, May 08, 2011

I feel lonely and sad.

A most frustrating thing, lately, is being too emotionally overwhelmed to write.

I'm fairly functional in most other ways, but there are moments when I'm struck--by my current life, how much time I spend trying hard not to be present, stuck in an ugly cubicle with no practical reason to believe I can improve things soon, deeply lonely and failing to rationalize it away.

I also get overwhelmed trying to make sense of sense of the past. I really don't want to be that person, so absorbed in my own problems that I'm selfish and uncaring. . . still, some problems are actually worse than other problems. I'm sure it's not fun even in the middle of the bell curve, but statistically speaking, somebody has got to be out on the ends, no? And I've had this conversation so many times--

me: My family is pretty messed up.

interlocutor: You know, everybody's family is like that. They all fight, they all have their messed-up-ness. That's just how families are. You just have to deal with it. . . everybody does.

me: Maybe. . . I mean, I wouldn't rule that out. But it seems likely my family is unusually messed up.

interlocutor: *tells a story about extended family members who refused to talk to each other for years.*

me: *tells a story about one time, in my senior year of high school, when FHE ended with five people holding me to the floor while I desperately tried to leave.*

interlocutor: huh. Maybe your family really is kind of messed up.

Plus, I've been reading about Martha Beck, which makes me feel like writing an accurate criticism of abusive family patterns and the church's handling of child abuse. I feel both called and inadequate to the task.


___________________________ said...

You know you really want to be that person. Stop denying your destiny!!!

Ok, but anyway.... RADICAL IDENTITY RECONSTRUCTION TIME!!! Day, you are no longer Day, but now you are Pinocchio. You don't work in a cubicle, but instead, you are a motor cycle gangster. Also, instead of loneliness, you only feel rage at the hamster that stole your eye. (You now wear an eyepatch)

Boom! All problems solved.

Day said...

I'm totally on board, but I seem to be missing a hamster, a motorcycle, and an eye patch. . .

N said...

No, no - I think the hamster wants to be missing. You're just missing a motorcycle, an eye patch, and the absence of an eye...

___________________________ said...

I think missing of an eye is one of the easier parts. The eyepatch probably also isn't so hard. Motorcycle... well... you might have to sell some things or dip into any saved money you have.

misssrobin said...

I've had that conversation with people. Including my mother, who uses that line to say that our family isn't any more screwed up than anyone else's. Um, wrong. I've described our family to others and they stare at me like I'm from Mars, shift nervously on their feet, and get away quickly.

Sorry you're struggling. I hate it when I'm so deep down that I can't write. I can't process anything; I just sit and stew in the toxins. It's not pretty.

Sorry to hear about your eye. ;)