Saturday, May 28, 2011

part 1

{insert dating horror story here.}

"So why do you put up with that?" she asked, the obvious question.

The answer is simple: I'm not very good at being a woman. Why would I expect men to treat me well? It's not like I can pull off my side of the bargain.

According to unreliable sources, this is fairly normal for survivors of sexual abuse. Not being bad at femininity per se, but being uncomfortable in one's own gender and sexuality, whatever they may be. Awhile ago I read some articles about how uncomfortable it is to be transgendered--living with the feeling that you, in your body, are simply wrong--that you belong in a body of the opposite sex, and that until this situation is remedied, you will continue to be trapped and wrong. It was uncanny, reading, because the sensation they described was so familiar. . . except that I've never felt the wrongness of me could be solved by assuming a masculine body.

It is painful to live in flesh that is not your home. I've had a few moments, alone in a dance studio, when what I saw in the mirror and how I saw myself from the inside started to match up. But the instant another person walks in, this ends. Suddenly, in a million ways physical and otherwise, I am inadequately feminine. And because I live in a cultural context where my irrevocable womanhood is the first and probably most important thing anyone will know about me, "not a very good woman" is "not a very good human."


misssrobin said...

I don't know what to say except that my heart is with you.

I struggle with feeling disconnected from my body. Like it is a thing entirely separate from who I am, but I don't think it's quite the same thing you're talking about.

I hope you can find peace in your own body someday.

___________________________ said...

Eh, you just need to decorate more. Y'know, make it feel like a home. Just figure out some home symbolisms and find a way to get them on your body in some form of clothing/jewelry. It's brilliant!! :P

natalie said...

This sounds so painful. Maybe you should just spend a few months alone in a dance studio to get your moorings secured. Our society has quite the knack for fucking us up big time, eh?

natalie said...

Also, can I tell you how in awe I am of your blog and your writing and your interests? I think we could be really really good friends in real life.

Day said...

Thank you!

You are awesome. All of you, actually.

___________________________ said...

You need to make an exception. You included me in the list.